'Is he the one?' You're asking the wrong question. Ask this instead.
Choosing a life partner is serious business.
It’s only natural that you’ll want to work out if they’re the one for you, before committing your time, energy and ‘life’ to them.
And in your search to understand what the ‘one’ even is, and whether you have indeed found the ‘one’, you agonise over this question. You ask others what they think and of course, you ask the place with all the answers - Google.
Pouring over online articles, gathering ideas and opinions, trying to answer the ever elusive question of whether they’re the ‘one’.
But there’s a fundamental problem with this question.
And it’s the same problem that arises with the questions ‘should I be in this relationship?’ or ‘is he right for me?’ or ‘should we stay together?’
The problem
Each of these questions rely on a yes or no answer. Either they’re the one, or they’re not. They’re either right for you, or they not.
In your search to answer this question, you can only focus on the yes or no, this or that, for or against.
It encourages you to look for evidence for either side of the debate in the hope that you’ll suddenly be presented with a perfect moment of ‘THEY ARE MY FOREVER PERSON.’
But life just isn’t that straightforward.
And you can’t understand what you want, what’s right for you and how he fits into that until you connect with yourself and what you bring to your relationship.
A better question
Instead of asking ‘is he the one?’ ask yourself…
‘Who am I being in this relationship?’
I love this question, because it’s not about what you should or shouldn’t do, think or feel about your relationship. It offers the opportunity for a new perspective.
And it’s also not focusing too heavily on who you ARE, because who you are being in one relationship can be different to who you are being in another.
On the flip side, if you reflect on who you are being in this relationship, you might see a pattern in who you were being in your previous relationships. You may identify something about yourself you want to change. But that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with who you ARE.
“Who you are being in one relationship, can differ from who you are being in another.”
For example, I recognise myself as a people pleaser and that plays into my relationships. Someone who constantly worries about the needs of the other person, and tries not to be a burden. But I don’t think people pleasing is at the core of who I am, I think people pleasing just became who I thought I needed to be.
Identifying who you are being helps you appreciate that this can change, if you want it too. Giving you the power!
Here’s some examples of how shifting from ‘Is he the one?’ to ‘Who am I being?’ can change your insight and outcome….
Grab your workbook
Lost yourself becoming someone you think you need to or ‘should’ be in your relationship?
Discover who you are at your best, and set a goal to get yourself back there!
How asking a different question can help
People Pleasing
If you’re unsure about your relationship and you’re prone towards people pleasing (I feeeeel you!), asking ‘are they the one?’ might produce answers such as…
“Yes, we’re happy together, we don’t argue and things are always fine.”
“Yes, I mean we don’t do many things I want to but I don’t mind because it doesn’t matter.”
“Well yes, he’s committed to this relationship, he’s always been faithful, I’m silly to expect more.”
Asking yourself ‘Who am I being in this relationship?’, gives a different insight. Instead you might say…
“I’m being someone who avoids conflict.”
“I’m being someone who always puts his needs before mine.”
“I’m being someone who doesn’t think they deserve more than commitment.”
You might look at this list and think “but i’m happy that way!” and if so, great! You’ve understood more about who you’re being and decided it aligns with who you are and who you want to be.
But you might look at those answers and say, “Ohhh crikey, that’s not who I want to be for the rest of my life!”
You might decide who you are being is something you want to change about yourself and you want to change that together.
You might decide who you are being is a product of who they are and your relationship dynamic, and decide it’s time to move on.
Either way, it puts you in control of what’s right in your relationship without it being about a surface level measure of whether they’re the ‘one’.
Worrying about the future
You may ask yourself ‘are they the one?’ because you want reassurance that it’s going to work out in the future.
Focusing on ‘are they the one?’ you might decide that if you can’t be certain, your relationship must be wrong. You don’t want to waste your time with the wrong person, so your thinking brain weighs it up and tells you you should leave.
Instead let’s ask the question “Who am I being in this relationship?” You might say things like:
I’m being someone who wants certainty.
I’m being someone who struggles with the unknown.
I’m being someone who wants to control the future.
Then we can ask - “Who do I want to be?” This could be…
I want to be someone who can accept that I can only control my own actions, and that the future will never be fully known.
Then your focus can be on achieving the above (which could have a major benefit for you beyond your relationship!)
And if you then decide they’re not the right person for your future, you know that decision is based on what’s true, and not out of fear of the unknown.
Learn to trust yourself
It can feel safer to live under a set of rules. To fit into a ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ category. To seek clear cut evidence that he’s the person to commit too.
But life just isn’t like that.
It’s scary to ask “Who am I being?” because it shines the spotlight on us. It shows some truths about ourselves and our relationship that can be hard to face.
But learning who you are being, who you are at your core and who you want to be more (or less) of, gives you a way to approach your life and relationships from a place of more self-trust and clarity, than when you look for answers outside of yourself.
So, who are you being in your relationship? ….
Discover who you are in your relationship
Understand who you are being
Discover who you are at your best
Set a goal to be that YOU again
Hi, I’m Rachel
I coach people who are doubting their relationships. I help them embrace all of who they are so they can find the clarity, courage and self-trust to decide what’s next.
I help late diagnosed ADHD folk make career and life decisions they trust. ICF Certified Coach, Youtuber & Writer.